I’m not much of a speaker to be honest. If I could be quiet for the rest of my life, I would.
People see me as a talkative, hyper, cheerful person but I’m not really. I think I could be the most boring person alive. I don’t have anything interesting to talk about. The way I’m somewhat excited about something isn’t because I’m excited about that thing, it’s because I’m excited I found someone who actually cares enough to lend me the ear to listen to the crap I have to say.
I don’t get a chance to use my voice and express my feelings. I’ve never done that. I could love a person with all my heart and still have a difficult time showing them how I feel, even though I don’t seem like it.
My last relationship was the only serious relationship I’ve ever been in, and when it all crashed down, a part of me felt like this is the end of it all. I’ll never be able to love like this again, but it doesn’t mean I won’t be able to love again. You find someone who understands you, someone you can be your true self with, they learn your secrets, habits and all the little things about you then all the sudden they just leave. For a while you stop trusting, everything, life. You feel worthless, unloved, unlovable. You start questioning what’s wrong with you and what exactly went wrong. But you’ll never know. And it’s better for you that way, ignorance is bliss.
Then things get better for a while, you finally find a light, and as you walk towards it.. You trip into a hole. Family, friends, you lose it all and you don’t even care anymore. Your best friend leaves, your grades drop, your teachers complain, you skip classes, your sleep is ruined, your eating habits change. Your whole world crashes down. What do you do? You lose faith.
But I’m only at the beginning, I haven’t gotten out of the hole yet. But I know I will. I will find a way back. I will find faith again; Even if I had to chase it for the rest of my life. I will find it.