Mental illness love

I guess there’s no right way to love a person, but there are so many wrong ways; There are so many different ways you can screw everything up. But one of the worst ways is fear.

I still remember the first time I realized I’m not exactly “normal”.. I was 6 years old and we were at a funeral, everyone was crying and the most “normal” reaction would be to cry, even as a child. I know this because my little cousins were crying but I wasn’t. I was completely numb and eventually ended up banging my head against a wall. Of course, I didn’t know this then but I was trying to escape an anxiety attack.

‘A list of 2900 things that can go wrong in one minute’ Is the first sentence that comes to my mind whenever I hear the word “anxiety” and  my brain starts listing them down; It’s almost like a word that activates a bomb in my brain.

But what’s it like to be in love? If you separate people in two groups, one being the group that believes love is rainbows and butterflies.. The other… Would probably be a bunch of people who have been through some awful relationships or been friendzoned a lot.

Then there are people like me,  the middlers swinging from side to side. And it’s not like we lack self-love or anything, but there’s something broken inside us. It’s so hard to explain it to people and even though you feel like the words are right there in your brain, at the tip of your tongue. They perfectly make sense, your voice will speak them out in the perfect waves. But still, you stop them.

We’ve been programmed to believe no one will understand. I’ve been programmed to believe in fear, and my 2900 things. My fears are bigger than me, the bomb in my brain ticks faster than my ability to cut the right wire.

Fears, I’m terrified of opening up, terrified of being forced to speak, terrified of saying the wrong things, terrified of being misunderstood, terrified of fighting/arguing, terrified of people leaving, terrified of pushing people away, terrified of being alone, terrified of being around people for more than 3 hours, terrified of people, terrified of being terrified.

You see, being in love isn’t easy. Nobody ever said it is. But sometimes being in love can be your 2900 things.

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About ranooy

21 poet http://www.youtube.com/user/Ranooyful

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