Mental illness love

I guess there’s no right way to love a person, but there are so many wrong ways; There are so many different ways you can screw everything up. But one of the worst ways is fear.

I still remember the first time I realized I’m not exactly “normal”.. I was 6 years old and we were at a funeral, everyone was crying and the most “normal” reaction would be to cry, even as a child. I know this because my little cousins were crying but I wasn’t. I was completely numb and eventually ended up banging my head against a wall. Of course, I didn’t know this then but I was trying to escape an anxiety attack.

‘A list of 2900 things that can go wrong in one minute’ Is the first sentence that comes to my mind whenever I hear the word “anxiety” and  my brain starts listing them down; It’s almost like a word that activates a bomb in my brain.

But what’s it like to be in love? If you separate people in two groups, one being the group that believes love is rainbows and butterflies.. The other… Would probably be a bunch of people who have been through some awful relationships or been friendzoned a lot.

Then there are people like me,  the middlers swinging from side to side. And it’s not like we lack self-love or anything, but there’s something broken inside us. It’s so hard to explain it to people and even though you feel like the words are right there in your brain, at the tip of your tongue. They perfectly make sense, your voice will speak them out in the perfect waves. But still, you stop them.

We’ve been programmed to believe no one will understand. I’ve been programmed to believe in fear, and my 2900 things. My fears are bigger than me, the bomb in my brain ticks faster than my ability to cut the right wire.

Fears, I’m terrified of opening up, terrified of being forced to speak, terrified of saying the wrong things, terrified of being misunderstood, terrified of fighting/arguing, terrified of people leaving, terrified of pushing people away, terrified of being alone, terrified of being around people for more than 3 hours, terrified of people, terrified of being terrified.

You see, being in love isn’t easy. Nobody ever said it is. But sometimes being in love can be your 2900 things.

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Change

I do believe that one of the worst things ever in life is when you lose a person you love.
A friend, a family member, anyone.
But what’s worse than that is when you lose yourself.
You see, as humans, we change.
Change is inevitable, but when we change, we can’t really know why or how.
We hardly ever notice it til we start doing something we never did, or someone points it out.
Being in your skin but feeling like it’s not yours, moving around in your body but feeling like a ghost.
Not recognizing yourself, tough.
I’ve been pretending to be something that I am not.. Well, something I used to be, but I’m not anymore.
It’s not that hard, really. Being talkative and, well, me.
What’s hard is the fact I can’t figure out how to run my own life anymore. When was the last time I washed my hair? Should I wash it now? It doesn’t look dirty..
Sometimes I even think I’m going insane, or losing my memory.
Forgetting who I am, where I am. What’s my name again?
That one person that makes me feel beyond perfection,
Is the only person who knows how messed up I am.
I won’t talk about it unless it’s important,
I won’t discuss it unless it can be solved.
But why can’t I speak?
Why won’t the words rush out when I need them most?
Why can’t I fight for the one thing I need to keep like I fight for everything I believe in?
Because I’ve changed. I’m not the same.
I can’t go back to how I used to be
I can’t talk about what’s bothering me
Change is inevitable, I will remember my name.

Heartache

Love, a simple word, a whole different world. 

I’ve always thought that love was the most amazing thing ever, this could probably be because of the movies I grew up watching or just the fact every Disney movie made sure to beautify it. 
But as I grew older, I realized that love isn’t as easy as it seems, you don’t just walk outside of your house one day and meet your soul mate, which brings us to a whole different topic: “Do soul mates really exist?” but that’s not what I’m discussing. 
I mean sure, maybe people do fall in love instantly, maybe “love at first sight” is a thing, I don’t know. Maybe I never will.
But what I do know is “love” isn’t as glorious as you thought it is, you fall in love and it’s all sweet and lovey dovey and then something just goes wrong, you can’t put a finger on it.. It just doesn’t work out. Now that’s when you know what love really is. It’s more like a storm after a sunny day. Then you’re just left there, alone. You start to feel like there’s a hole in your heart and it just keeps getting bigger. And in worse cases, you feel numb; You’re there, but barely. 

You try to get over it, you pretend like it never happened, but of course, you see a picture, hear a song, pass by a place and you just feel that hole again, it comes back. You keep trying over and over again to not let it get to you, you try to fill it up, you do whatever you can to make sure it doesn’t appear again. But there’s not much that you can do; and just when you realize that. You give up, you crawl back. Somehow you feel like it’s better to go through that mess again rather than just living with a hole in your heart. But then you remember that you’re afraid of rejection, you’re afraid this hole might just eat your heart at once, because you know what’s left of your heart won’t take it.

So you wait.. 
And before you know it, somebody tries to mend your heart, fill it up with love and care. And what do you do? You push them away. You build up a wall and you make sure that each and every brick is perfectly stuck to the one next to it. You don’t let anyone in, you’d rather be alone than have to go through that again, but guess who breaks your wall? Knocks every brick down? The same person you built up the wall because of. That one person you feel like home when you’re around them, that person that can fill your heart with holes and leave you bleeding, that person is the one you love. The one you’d rather die with than live without.